Chain Reaction: a poem

She says she loves me
but shes tired…
tired of missing me
not that im not home, but when i am, im so distant shes second guesses kissing me
and still she says she loves me

but she confused…
confused about where I want to be,
and why i still think it cool to leave at 12noon
then dont come in until the next day at 3
but yet she says she loves me

but shes sick..
she sick of trying to figure out who i am
and why she always have provide a plan
because i get mad when she asks,
when she’s only giving me a chance to be a man
yet still she says she loves me

But i dont what love is…

Because… shit as kids….
my momma was young and
still into clubs and
my father had an infatuation with
the streets and drugs
so alot of nights i missed meals
along with kisses hugs
and I want to love her

but the cold deceptions in my life
teaches me not to trust her
my biggest fear is coming back home and shes not there
and i know i should fight and try to keep her
but instead i act like i dont need her
but she tells me she love me

and i should be honest with her and tell her
“you made a mistake again, trusting a man”
but instead..
i give her the temporary satisfaction of i few i love yous
and it will never happen again..

and after so long of me tearing her apart
while she always played her part
another man is after her heart
i dont know to fight or to make this right
but thats going to be kind of hard
because the house was empty, when i got home last night
too late…..

Relationship talk: What’s really important?

This past week my wife and I wasn’t seeing eye to eye. We had a disagreement then instead of resolving it, we went to our separate corners. The house felt it. Our kids remained in their room, afraid of being a casualty of our silent war.

In an effort to avoid having to inevitably apologize to my wife, i began to scroll Facebook. After a few memes and videos, i noticed a picture of a man that is familiar. Not as I know him familiar, but more like I seen him somewhere before. Above the photo is a emoji of a broken heart. Moving my finger I click the name.

We aren’t Facebook friends so of course i can’t see much. However, there is a video with a familiar face. She was my supervisor and friend back in the days when I worked as an STNA. I click play on the video and my heart sank.

The video loads and it displays a woman. Her face, which is usually full of joy, covered by radiant caramel skin, now looks haggard and tired. Her eyes her puffy and red, the look is topped off deeper than usual frown lines and her skin is wet with tears. She is speaking but her first few words escapes me as my mind puts the pieces together.

And like a punch in the face, the memory of her and I sitting at the nurses station as she shows me a photo of her family. The man in the photo is her husband. I start the video over, giving it the attention it deserves.

Her mask slides off figuratively and literally as she explains the news she had received about her Covid positive spouse. Her N92 slides down as tear cascades down her cheeks and her words becomes just a jumble of grief. Without saying exactly what it was, she gives the impression that the news was grave. At 10:32 the video ends with her final words. “Appreciate the people you have in your life because you ‘ll never know.

We seldom consider the frailty of life, but this event makes me realize mine and what’s more, my loved ones mortality. I also have to take stock on how easy it has been to let something like an argument that I can’t remember make me lose focus on what’s important.

After checking on my friend and sending my condolences, I turned to my wife. I stood up, walked over and kissed her. She smiled. Because sometimes we dont have to revisit a situation. We just have to rise above it.

It shouldn’t take a pandemic for us to appreciate each other, or at the very least treat each other better. We often take things for granted that we should cherish. Don’t wait. Be proactive about your relationships, not reactive.